Joy is a Fruit, Not a Feeling

A few days ago, I hurriedly jumped into my car,  running late for an important doctor’s appointment. I put the address in my GPS and sped off, glancing every once in a while at the map so I’d know where to turn next. As I drove, I thought to myself how disappointed I was with the way I was feeling. I felt very down - sad, discouraged.  I’d battled these feelings much of my life, even after becoming a Christian, and it bothered me that I still felt so low at times. My thoughts bombarded me, one after another with no break.

“I shouldn’t feel this way, I know better. I’ve worked through so many negative mindsets over the past few years, shouldn’t I be doing better than this? I have so many things to be grateful for right now, why do I feel so low? When will I ever really feel joyful?”

The onslaught of thoughts was briefly interrupted by an alert that I needed to exit the highway and make a turn. As I took the left my GPS instructed, the guidance system mysteriously changed course and told me I needed to turn around and get back on the highway, back in the direction I’d originally been headed! Irritated and confused, I pulled into a gas station to fill up. I needed gas anyway, so I might as well make this detour worth something. Just as I finished up and was about to drive away, I saw a homeless man in my rearview mirror digging through the trash cans that lined each pump station.

I looked at the clock. I had almost no time to get to my appointment, but could I just drive away? I wanted to, honestly. My GPS had already cost me time, and I knew that if I got out to talk to this man I would most likely be late. Begrudgingly, I turned my car off again and stepped out. 

“Hi, uh, excuse me! Are you hungry?” I asked. He looked up at me but gave no response. “Would you like something to eat? I’ve got an appointment I need to get to, but I was wondering if I could buy you some food, first?”

He nodded and we walked into the gas station together. He did not make eye contact and began speaking very quickly, although his words were incoherent and jumbled and he seemed to be having more of a conversation with himself than with me. I was sure he was on some type of drug, which didn’t bother or scare me. As someone who used to struggle with addiction myself, I just felt compassion for him and wondered what had gotten him to this place. He picked out his food items, I paid, and we headed out the door as fast as we’d gone in. I stopped him from walking away to ask if I could possibly pray for him, but he quickly cut me off.  He looked directly at me and spoke clearly.

“I can see that you’re happy. Like, really happy” he said. “I can see it in your eyes. I don’t know what you’re happy about, but I’m glad that you’ve found it. I hope you keep it.”

 And then he took off - before I could pray, before I could tell him about Jesus, before I could even get a single word in.

And then Jesus spoke. It wasn’t audible, just a stream of thoughts that softly came to me that I sensed was from Him.

“Erica, what he really saw in you was joy. You may not feel happy right now, but I am joy, and I live inside you. The reality of my joy, of what and Who you carry, is always bigger than how you’re feeling. You always have access to joy, no matter your circumstances, no matter your feelings, because I am in you. Besides, there’s a big difference between how I think you’re doing vs. how you think you are doing. You were thinking from a place of condemnation and shame. That’s not the way I speak to you. I always think you are “better” than you might think you are. I will always see you “doing better” than you think you are doing. I’m never unhappy with you.”

I continued to stand there in front of the gas station store with tears filling my eyes and a feeling of shock hitting me . Shock that I met this man. Shock that he saw joy in me when I hadn’t even smiled. Shock at the reality of someone’s ability to see joy, to see Jesus, in me, when my feelings were far from joyful and my thoughts were far from Jesus. Shock that I may have given a man “bread” that would fill him for a few hours, when he in turn fed me the Bread of Life that would continue to fill me every time I made space to remember this interaction. Bread that was more filling than any physical meal could ever be. I thought that I was there to help him, and maybe in some small way I had, but what he gave me was so much more valuable and long-lasting.

So, did Jesus hijack my GPS and take me that way on purpose? I can’t answer that question for sure, but I like to think so.  

A few days later I went to the AWAKE ministry gathering at ONE. The topic? The difference between happiness and joy. The speaker, Ashlee Kinsel, shared some thoughts that resonated powerfully with me. 

“Happiness has nothing to do with joy, and chasing happiness keeps our focus on what is external, not on what God is saying.”  

As she continued to unpack what true joy really is, she spoke of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5, one of which is joy. 

“Joy is a seed,” she said. “It’s a deposit that bears fruit through the seasons of our lives. Joy is a  fruit. Not a feeling. It will produce a feeling, but before it’s a feeling, it’s a fruit. Joy is to know  (experientially) the Lord and to be known by Him.”

The entire message gripped me. Not only had I had an experience a few days earlier in which Jesus began to reveal the truth and reality of joy for me, but now I was sitting in a meeting where God continued to reframe my understanding of joy. Suddenly, just like that day at the gas station, I was in shock again. I finally realized that the thing I’d been desperately searching for through the years - joy - has actually been within me the whole time, and always will be, whether I feel “happy” in the moment or not. 

I know this realization will initially require a lot of focus and energy as I navigate living it out. I’ve heard the message  “feelings aren’t facts” for years, yet I have always seemed to let how I feel determine my moods, thoughts and day. In order for this revelation about joy to really become a new mindset, I’m going to have to practice choosing joy, even when I don’t feel it. Just as muscles don’t grow stronger without exercising them, I will need to exercise this new truth in my life in order to see it develop and expand. Instead of letting my feelings tell me how I am doing, I get to look to Jesus, and his ever-present joy within me,  and choose my attitudes and feelings based on what He says.