Expressing thoughts, feelings, needs and wants

Ever struggle to express what you think, feel, need, or want? 

My hand is in the air. I have certainly struggled with even knowing what I’m feeling, much less what I’m needing and wanting. Forget expressing that consistently in healthy ways! 

For years I actually thought it was a sign of health to give little thought to what I needed and to not dwell on (much less explore) what I wanted. Somewhere I picked up a faulty mindset that “faithfulness” was akin to self-neglect, which in turn proved my selfLESSness. Scary but true. 

I genuinely bought into the idea that all self-expression was somehow wrong and a sure sign of immaturity. Did anyone else catch this confusing idea from the cultures that shaped you? 

You can be surrounded by well-intentioned adults doing their best to help you grow, yet pick up destructive mental health habits. How many of us abided by the well-known parenting style that claimed kids were meant to be seen and not heard. How many of us were taught to fear our desires? Anyone else buy into some form of this idea: thinking about my own needs is selfish? 

Being able to communicate what one thinks, feels, wants, and needs is the central task learned during a healthy childhood. From age 3 or 4 until 12 or 13, a child’s main task is to learn to return oneself to joy from any upset state with the help of loving caretakers. Exploring and communicating thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants is a core competency of this stage. 

After childhood, we don’t outgrow the need for this skill, we simply learn how to do it healthily with a small group of friends (this is the young adult stage).

I had no idea! A few years ago, upon learning about this basic skill that I had yet to master, we started taking time as a staff to simply use one or two words to say what we were currently feeling. For example, “I feel some fear and some joy” or “I feel anger and guilt.” No apologies, explanation not necessary, and permission granted to not rush in and try to fix each other—we simply showed up and were present to one another. 

On our team of what I consider to be well-adjusted adults, it was shocking to realize how uncomfortable this practice was for us initially. We wanted to over-explain or to fix one another. We were shocked to see that often we were detached from our own feelings, unaware that we were avoiding them. With just a little practice in a trusted space, we grew to enjoy that simple exercise. 

Today, I often use this simple tool to start my day—maybe it will help you too. I get out a notecard or notebook and answer these prompts: 

I feel…

I need…

I want…

On my mind…

Then, after simply expressing myself, I turn to God and ask these questions, recording what comes to mind after I ask and listen: 

God, You know me better than I know myself. What do I feel? 

God, what do I need? 

God, what do I want? 

God, what’s on Your mind? 

This simple but powerful two-way conversation with God allows me to practice the skill I didn’t fully learn in my childhood: I can express my needs and desires in a safe and trusted space. It will actually help my brain grow healthy synapse connections! I can also learn more about myself by simply listening to the One who knows me best. 

This is the kind of work that builds capacity for lasting joy!